It was long after 2:00 am in the morning and the silence was getting
uncomfortable with every second passing. This unvoiced tension had been
between us for so long that I now couldn’t recall talking to her last time.
I was looking at her, wanting her to say anything to start the conversation
but I could only find a stony looking stranger in front of me with the
coldest eyes. I had known her all my life but I couldn’t recognize her
today, I realized how long it had been since I had really met her. How could
I be so ignorant? How could I forget about her all that time?
I added up all my strength to talk to her, I never felt this hard to be with
her ever….but right now I had to think of words that could convey my
feelings.
“We need to talk”, I said hesitatingly, clearing my throat.
She didn’t move, nor did she say anything, just glanced at me with that same
coldness.
“I know I should have said that a long time ago, but I never thought that
you would leave me alone.” I wanted to clarify.
“Maybe I had chosen the wrong path, but I had always been true to you, you
were the one where I always confide. I thought I was fulfilling what you
dreamt for us.” I was only trying to make her speak.. something.. anything
but she wasn’t even listening to me.
“I thought we both wanted the same things, this life, the success, the
respect, and the love from everyone around us”. “Didn’t you want to make
everyone around us happy?” I asked her in a breaking voice.
“Yes, I wanted to make people happy, but not in this way.” She said “You
wanted to make everyone who was anyone happy that you forget that it might
make me unhappy.”
“You knew all the way that I was the one getting hurt, I was the one giving
away my dreams because of that but you didn’t stop.” Her voice was almost
monotone. I had never heard her like that; she was the one more energetic
among us.
“Yes I wanted a successful life, but I didn’t know our definition of success
and life were that different”, “I wanted to have a happy life for us, a life
that had dreams and wishes, a life that had people who love us for what we
are. the life that does not demand us to change the real us but you chose
the life that demanded too much on my part” her voice was still low but her
eyes were screaming with questions. It had been so long since she talked
that much that her voice was shaky, like she had finished a long journey to
nowhere.
“But you never stopped me..you could have asked me, directed me like you
always did. You were the one who planned everything.” I complained for the
first time.
“I did, I tried to stop you from ignoring me, I tried to tell you so many
times that I don’t want to give away my thoughts and dreams just to make
someone happy, but you were never listening. All you did was disregard
anything I said. So it’s better that I stay away from you” Her response had
not changed a bit, she was still a stranger.
“How can I survive without you, you know that’s impossible”. I tried to make
her emotional like I always did. That had worked almost always but it seemed
that it wont work this time because her expression didn’t change at all.
“I failed to change you.” She said looking into my eyes, I could see the
hurt in her eyes. “The only other way is that I change my way. It’s useless
for two strangers to stay together when they sometimes don’t even remember
that the other person even exists.” She clarified that my tricks won’t work
now.
“You don’t want me to dream, you want me to change my vision, then you are
asking me to be someone I’m not. You have chosen this, your so called
”practical life” by dispensing my dreams and hurting my soul so you better
be alone” She had almost ended the lifelong relation. She paused for a brief
moment. “I was made of those dreams.” She said in that same low but totally
composed voice. Her voice was as cold as her expression, giving no options
and taking no alibis.
She was still there in front of me, but there was nothing to say now. I
could see that stranger in the mirror across me, and I knew inside that I
had lost her. I had lost that “me” in myself. Maybe I knew that since long
but I didn’t want to accept that but now there was nothing I could do except
live without life, survive with this emptiness inside. I have to live with
this hollow heart, which has no dream, no wish and no reason to love myself.
I had lost that me who had taught me to love, smile and make others smile.
Who taught me to dream and make dreams come true. I am here now alone, with
an barrenness that would cover my life forever.
uncomfortable with every second passing. This unvoiced tension had been
between us for so long that I now couldn’t recall talking to her last time.
I was looking at her, wanting her to say anything to start the conversation
but I could only find a stony looking stranger in front of me with the
coldest eyes. I had known her all my life but I couldn’t recognize her
today, I realized how long it had been since I had really met her. How could
I be so ignorant? How could I forget about her all that time?
I added up all my strength to talk to her, I never felt this hard to be with
her ever….but right now I had to think of words that could convey my
feelings.
“We need to talk”, I said hesitatingly, clearing my throat.
She didn’t move, nor did she say anything, just glanced at me with that same
coldness.
“I know I should have said that a long time ago, but I never thought that
you would leave me alone.” I wanted to clarify.
“Maybe I had chosen the wrong path, but I had always been true to you, you
were the one where I always confide. I thought I was fulfilling what you
dreamt for us.” I was only trying to make her speak.. something.. anything
but she wasn’t even listening to me.
“I thought we both wanted the same things, this life, the success, the
respect, and the love from everyone around us”. “Didn’t you want to make
everyone around us happy?” I asked her in a breaking voice.
“Yes, I wanted to make people happy, but not in this way.” She said “You
wanted to make everyone who was anyone happy that you forget that it might
make me unhappy.”
“You knew all the way that I was the one getting hurt, I was the one giving
away my dreams because of that but you didn’t stop.” Her voice was almost
monotone. I had never heard her like that; she was the one more energetic
among us.
“Yes I wanted a successful life, but I didn’t know our definition of success
and life were that different”, “I wanted to have a happy life for us, a life
that had dreams and wishes, a life that had people who love us for what we
are. the life that does not demand us to change the real us but you chose
the life that demanded too much on my part” her voice was still low but her
eyes were screaming with questions. It had been so long since she talked
that much that her voice was shaky, like she had finished a long journey to
nowhere.
“But you never stopped me..you could have asked me, directed me like you
always did. You were the one who planned everything.” I complained for the
first time.
“I did, I tried to stop you from ignoring me, I tried to tell you so many
times that I don’t want to give away my thoughts and dreams just to make
someone happy, but you were never listening. All you did was disregard
anything I said. So it’s better that I stay away from you” Her response had
not changed a bit, she was still a stranger.
“How can I survive without you, you know that’s impossible”. I tried to make
her emotional like I always did. That had worked almost always but it seemed
that it wont work this time because her expression didn’t change at all.
“I failed to change you.” She said looking into my eyes, I could see the
hurt in her eyes. “The only other way is that I change my way. It’s useless
for two strangers to stay together when they sometimes don’t even remember
that the other person even exists.” She clarified that my tricks won’t work
now.
“You don’t want me to dream, you want me to change my vision, then you are
asking me to be someone I’m not. You have chosen this, your so called
”practical life” by dispensing my dreams and hurting my soul so you better
be alone” She had almost ended the lifelong relation. She paused for a brief
moment. “I was made of those dreams.” She said in that same low but totally
composed voice. Her voice was as cold as her expression, giving no options
and taking no alibis.
She was still there in front of me, but there was nothing to say now. I
could see that stranger in the mirror across me, and I knew inside that I
had lost her. I had lost that “me” in myself. Maybe I knew that since long
but I didn’t want to accept that but now there was nothing I could do except
live without life, survive with this emptiness inside. I have to live with
this hollow heart, which has no dream, no wish and no reason to love myself.
I had lost that me who had taught me to love, smile and make others smile.
Who taught me to dream and make dreams come true. I am here now alone, with
an barrenness that would cover my life forever.
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